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09:26pm 21/11/2005
 
mood: fat
So I've decided I'm unhappy with my current eating habbits and would desperately like to change them into something more positive. I eat way too much junk food. I'm planning on using this journal to meal plan and track my progress. THIS IS NO LONGER AN EATING DISSORDER JOURNAL. but seeing as the topic is still food I've opted not to make a new journal.

That said I'm wiping the entire friends list and starting from scratch. nothing personal.

-Me		  
     Read 2 - Post
 
Nothing personal   
07:36pm 27/12/2002
  Took a few peopel off the friends list, nothing personal. I just don't want to worry people.


Love,
Ani		  
     Read 10 - Post
 
do you ever wonder what you believe in?   
07:53pm 26/12/2002
 
mood: determined
music: Pink - Just like a pill
So getting better...

that idea is gone. no let me make that perfectly clear that idea is dead, there will be no fat in this realm.

IO very much disslike my figure at the moment.

I am beyond healthy.

I am at a stage where I know I will not let meself live like this without falling into a horrible depression.

I don't need a depression on top of everything right now. not when I'm turnong 18 and need a goddamn job.

therefore.

I am losing weight.

And I am not gonna be good about it.

Fuck being better and healthy and good.

I have put on too much weight and I know I can live happily at a lower weight wthout comprimising my health.

I wont go psycho crazy about this.

I'm not gonna go for a goal of 75lbs as i was the month before i lost my baby.

No I will go for a reasonable undissclosed weight.

I have consumed under 500 calories today and I do NOT plan pon consuming ANY CALORIES tomorrow.

This is non negotiable.

I can't live in my skin with my breasts this size right now.

It's been alomst a year now. a year since his pointy little nails cut me open and I bled down my leg in a bath far too hot.

Almost a year since I was violated in the most disgusting way.

Almost a year.

I will not be fat when that aniversary comes.

The males are finding my figure attractive again. THAT WILL NOT BE PERMITTED!!

I AM NOT ALLOWED BREASTS THIS SIZE!

When they are this size that are mutalated.

The scars stick out far to far.

I am gross.

I will not allow myself the self blame and hatred this year. I will not hate myself for what those boys did to me.

I will not.

I have the SCARS. Oh the scars.

My breasts have healed finally but with this much weight you can still see them too much.

My breats will be smaller.

You will never touch me again Norm. Never. you will never corner me with a knife in a basement again.

You will never touch me again Andrew. you had the luxury of knowing me too long. you stole something form me no one shoudl ever take and I will NEVER forgive you for raping me.

I wont let this go.

I do sleep in January.

This is a fact of life. It snows in winnipeg in the winter. this is a fact. I do not sleep in January. another fact.

This January will be hard.

I know that.

Dale wants to see me.

I don't want to see him.

I have nothing to say.

And he wants to see me alone.

ya, like that could happen on his best day.

he tried.

why did the three boys I trusted most betray me?

assholes.

all three of them.

Bleu and I want to doa writing workshop tonight.

I think I'll post a story later.

~Ani		  
     Read 8 - Post
 
Oh look an entry   
12:22am 13/10/2002
 
mood: blank
music: Not an Addict - K's Choice
You know the drill, friends only blah blah blah blah.

leave a comment and I'll likely add you unless I have a good reason not to.

I'm not hiding anything other than everything.

This isn't a secrit journal I'm trying to hide.

I am an Ani and I like to bitch.

Yes it's an ed journal.

So what?

If you don't like it. Leave.		  
     Read 8 - Post
 
 
almostenough
 
 

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